Thursday, May 3, 2012

27 Things About NY-27

1: I still can't stop calling it NY26, just like I wrote 2011 on my checks until April. So, If I screw up and type NY26 trust me, Brian Higgins is safe.

2: Who cares about David Bellavia's water bill? Bob McCarthy of course and probably some voters. Bellavia played this well by employing the 'just regular folks' defense but tight-ass primary voters will take late payments into account.

3. Chris Collins is an asshole. I have never seen this point refuted.

4. Kathy Hochul's 'Yes' vote on CISPA was either the result of electoral politics or a complete lack of regard for individual citizen's personal privacy. Since the average voter in NY27 doesn't know what the hell CISPA is... Well, you do the math.

5. Oh look, there's a primary for the Independence Party line. Chris Collins vs. someone you've never heard of. This happens because of New York's fusion voting system. Fusion voting simply means that minor parties are allowed to try and play kingmaker so major parties need to find willing sacrifices to primary people like Collins on a ballot line that no one gives a damn about.

***UPDATE: Never mind about this, Collins couldn't get enough petition signatures to get himself on the IP ballot line. See thing number three.***

6. Summer is almost here and no one is going to pay any attention to this race until September.

7. Chris Collins ignored a rat infestation in Buffalo. If you want to know why, see thing number three.

8. David Bellavia was awarded a Silver Star. Silver Stars don't automatically make a person right for Congress.

9. Chris Collins doesn't have any Silver Stars, but he does sit on the board of a medical research company. The likelihood of some Collins mouthpiece telling us that the former Erie County Executive is working on a cure for cancer is high. Being on the board of a research company doesn't make a person right for congress, and the doctors in Australia are the ones who are actually working on a cure for cancer.

10: At some point during the primary, Collins is going to have to say exactly what I said in thing number eight.

11: If Collins says what I said in thing number eight, he's going to be painted as an uncaring anti-veteran candidate.

12. If things number ten and eleven actually happen it will be because Chris Collins is an asshole and he can't help himself. See thing number three.

13: Kathy Hochul has spent more time in the GLOW counties in half a Congressional term than both her predecessors combined.

14: Hey, remember when Chris Lee showed off his nipples to Washington DC's transsexual Craigslist users and then the nation? Man that was funny.

15: However the Republican primary shakes out, the general election may very well come down to how much NY27 Republican voters hate Barack Obama. There really won't be any other reason for them to leave their houses in November.

16: In 2008 the Erie County Republicans promised David Bellavia their endorsement the next time this congressional seat came open. Two elections later they still haven't honored that promise.

17: People in the Monroe County portion of NY27 don't have any reason at all to give a damn about this race. No one has seriously asked their opinion in years.

18: Chris Collins opened a Twitter account this week, but you should follow @DWICollins instead; he's more fun and more likely to tell the truth.

21: Jack Davis mumbled something a few weeks back about starting a SuperPAC for David Bellavia. He'd better get right on that because Bellavia is having serious trouble raising money.

22: Elections are all about money.

23: Chris Collins has the most money so even though thing number three is sad, funny and true, it doesn't actually matter.

24: Chris Collins is unpopular in the GLOW counties because he's unlikable. David Bellavia has never done anything noteworthy in the GLOW counties other than live there. Kathy Hochul gets bills passed in Congress that streamline the labor hiring process for GLOW farmers.

25: Chris Collins lost his Erie County Executive re-election bid last November. Kathy Hochul has never lost an election. David Bellavia has never cracked the 'serious candidate' plateau.

26: I never thought I'd actually make it to twenty-seven things and I've been secretly re-writing the title of this piece inside my head since thing number six.

27: If you're reading this and you're a Republican, see things number three, seven, nine, ten, eleven and twelve. The last time we sent a wealthy, male business asshole to congress, we ended up having to look at his nipples on the national news. How many nipples is it going to take before you people learn?

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