Missives From Fuckneckville

I think this may become a series. I even tried to come up with a name for it.

'The I'm With Stupid Review'

'Letters From the Twilight Zone'

'Things More Useless Than Non-Alcoholic Beer'

'Hashtag #IJustLostIQ'

'Twits: Why You Might Be One'

and my personal favorite:

'Herp, Derp, Type'

Whatever, It'll come to me.

Today, though, I offer you an opportunity to purse your lips over your morning coffee and think, silently of course, "What the fuck is this shit?"

Grab your coffee now and read this indecipherable assgasm sent to the Batavia Daily News from former elected official and current loveable curmudgeon, John Sackett.

Are you a real Christian or a social Christian? Do you believe in your family’s heritage? Do you know your family’s heritage? What made your ancestors come to America? Does your church post the Ten Commandments? If not, why not? Do you know the Ten Commandments? Why not? Do you read the Bible by yourself? If not, why? Yes, heritage and knowledge of the Bible is still important today in this age of progressiveness and so-called enlightenment.


Our ancestors worked hard, took no food, took no clothing, took no heat, took no housing — unless the Church provided help when really needed! It was called pride! What do we have today? More people on food stamps than are working! Let’s hear that again — more people taking food stamps than are working/employed! Is this our America? How have we allowed this to happen? Have we been negligent of our duties as free Americans? Why have we allowed this to happen? Has our country changed before our eyes? Why? It is because we have forgotten our heritage? Have we forgotten our pride? Have we forgotten how to guide ourselves? Will we allow the government to control our lives? Free people don’t depend on the government!

Do you let television dominate your free time? Why? Do you allow our elected representatives to do things contrary to what you believe? Why? Are you working more but enjoying life less? Why?
I raise these questions because many of us, myself included, have been chasing the dollar instead of considering our lifestyle, instead of considering our families and not considering our country’s future!
In reality — are you a real Christian or a social Christian? What do you think-believe?

John L. Sackett Jr.
Byron

Let's just take a journey through Mr. Sackett's letter (even though we think he may be the victim of some kind of malignant brain parasite.)

Are you a real Christian or a social Christian?

Neither, actually. Are these the only options? Could I be a Jew, or some sort of Viking priest? I'm unsure about the ground rules here, but let's continue.

Do you believe in your family’s heritage?

I most certainly do, sir. As a matter of fact, I exist...so I have to, right? Am I a figment of my own imagination? Hell, if I had known that, I would have cooked up something a lot more awesome than this. I'm an underwear model, no wait, I'm a dildo model...no wait, I'm Batman. 

Yeah, I'm Batman.

Do you know your family’s heritage?

Yes, sir. My parents were killed during a robbery gone bad when I was just a boy. I was left as the sole heir to an enormous fortune, but I always felt the need to protect the weak and fight injustice...


What made your ancestors come to America?

Probably a boat with some sails. BatSails.


Does your church post the Ten Commandments?

Absolutely.  In fact I attend the Church of the Ten Commandments.

The First Commandment is: Thou shalt wash and wax the Batmobile every Saturday...unless it's raining.

There used to only be nine commandments, but Superman started showing up and insisted on implementing the Tenth which states: Thou shalt not bang fat chicks. 

Superman is kind of a dick, but we let him hang out because he always brings blueberry muffins.

If not, why not?

We do, man, get off my cape. Damn.

 Do you know the Ten Commandments?

Well, I definitely know the tenth. Supes is always calling Aquaman a chubby chaser because of that one time with the orca...but she was cool, you know? Superman is a total dick.


Do you read the Bible by yourself?

Shit yeah, then I share my favorite verses on Facebook...they're fucking hilarious. Total lulz factory. Matter of fact, that's how I meet chicks from ChristianMingle.com. I get crazy ass from that site. I'm all like, 'I'm Batman.' and they're all like, 'I'll only blow you if you love Jesus.' Then I pull out the old BataWang and it's on like Donkey Kong.

Our ancestors worked hard, took no food, took no clothing, took no heat, took no housing — unless the Church provided help when really needed! It was called pride! What do we have today?

Bullshit, BatShit. I'm richer than the Pope but I'm pretty sure a neighbor or two dropped off a loaf of non-church sanctioned bread at one of my ancestors' houses at some point in history, and if they didn't, fuck them. That's some un-neighborly shit right there. As a matter of fact, if your ancestors didn't let my ancestors borrow a cup of sugar I'm dis-inviting you from my bounce house slumber party. This means you, Superman. Asshole.



What do we have today? More people on food stamps than are working! Let’s hear that again — more people taking food stamps than are working/employed!

For this to be true, over 90% of Americans would be on food stamps. You stupid motherfucker.

Have we been negligent of our duties as free Americans? 

Uh, no. The other night I watched Miley Cyrus dry fuck a middle aged man then I went out and fought crime. What else do you want from me? Free Healthcare? 

Has our country changed before our eyes? Why? It is because we have forgotten our heritage?

Are you talking about smallpox? Yeah that was a shitty thing to do the the Native Americans, we should remember that. Or maybe you're talking about slavery? That was shitty too. Definitely remember that.  I don't know, maybe you need to clarify that whole 'heritage' thing. Even Superman thinks your ancestors were dicks...


Have we forgotten our pride?

Uh, no, I'm fucking Batman. The Third Commandment is: Thou shalt remember that I am Batman.

Have we forgotten how to guide ourselves?

I have GPS, bro.

Will we allow the government to control our lives? Free people don’t depend on the government!

Right, tell me about it brother! Fucking Mayor McCheese tried to stiff me out of some McNuggets last week and I took that punk out to the woodshed. Tell me I can't have a 15-piece?! I'll kick you in your Mayor McNutsack. 

Do you let television dominate your free time?

Only until Breaking Bad is finished.



Do you allow our elected representatives to do things contrary to what you believe?

Damn, no! I'll be donating heavily to the Hamburglar come next election cycle. 

Are you working more but enjoying life less? Why?

Yes, because I'm Batman.

I raise these questions because many of us, myself included, have been chasing the dollar instead of considering our lifestyle, instead of considering our families and not considering our country’s future!

My lifestyle is awesome. I wear a cape and kick ass...and I told you about those chicks from Christian Mingle, right?


What do you think-believe?

I think I'm going to call this series: 'Missives From Fuckneckville'.

I believe I'll subtitle it: 'Herp, Derp, Type'.