Pssst... NY27 Republicans, We Need To Talk

Grab a chair, make yourself at home.

Listen, we really need to talk.

Wait, where are my manners? Would you like something to drink? Beer? Single malt? Fine, have it your way, let's get down to business.

You know primary day is tomorrow. You also know that I'm not into your agenda, but for just one day I want us to be on the same team.

What I want, what I've always wanted from government, is honest representation and I'm still young and stupid enough to believe that that there isn't an inherent contradiction there. I don't define 'honest representation' as having a President/Senator/Congressman/Dog Catcher that agrees with everything I think. I don't need my representatives to spend all day doing the bidding of my personal ideology and I hope we're all adult enough here to agree on that point...at least in theory.

What I do need from my representatives is a standard of professionalism, intellectual honesty and an understanding that their only duty is to their constituents and their country. There are no noble bloodlines in America. The people we elect to serve us are raised up from our neighborhoods and cities. We send them off to the seat of power with our trust and hopefully our good will because that is how a representative republic like ours functions and thrives.

There is no noble class in America, no single person is born to serve in government, our representatives choose to do so and we, in turn, choose them.

Tomorrow, your party will be making a choice. It's not a simple one, at least not on the face of it. I've spent a fair amount of time trying to distance myself from this thing because I didn't really see it as any of my business. It doesn't matter to me ideologically who wins tomorrow. When asked about it, I've generally said that the difference between Chris Collins and David Bellavia as potential Congressmen will be maybe a few votes no one will ever hear about deciding issues that no one cares about. In essence, you're choosing one suit and pair of dress shoes over another if all that's important to you is a party line vote.

I already told you, though, that those things are secondary.

Republicans, you have an opportunity here.  You are being presented with a choice between two men who will do the same job. You don't have to make difficult issue decisions, so you are now afforded the opportunity to make a simple personal one. You get to choose the better man.

Whatever you may think about your current representation, you have to know in your heart and your mind that Kathy Hochul has conducted herself with class and dignity during her first term in Congress and you also know that she'll continue to do so if she is re-elected in November. Obviously, you folks will be trying to unseat her but only one of the two men you are choosing between tomorrow has a track record that proves he will match Congresswoman Hochul's comportment.

David Bellavia is a person who understands honor and integrity. He knows what those things mean and more importantly, he knows that conducting himself in a manner that both extends and accepts respect is the most basic function of a person who is selected to represent so many of his fellow citizens.

Chris Collins is none of that. There is no noble class in America, but Collins lives his public life like an entitled Prince sneering at the peasantry. His behavior has been well documented. He has demeaned female members of his staff in public. He has conducted private business in his government offices. He even parks in handicapped parking spaces to save his dainty feet from having to make a few extra steps. He puts on a costume, specially purchased, in order to relate to the plebeian farmers in our rural towns and he barely deigns to acknowledge that primary voters have a choice other than he.

There is no noble class in America. Money buys a lot of elections, but it doesn't have to buy this one. You don't have to worship the businessman if the businessman represents the worst of human nature. A prince may be a member of the nobility, but that doesn't make him noble.

Go. Vote tomorrow. Vote for a man who served his country honorably. Vote for a man who shares your ideals and will not stray. Vote for a man who will serve with dignity. Vote for David Bellavia.

If you do that, we can spend the next five months discussing the issues that are important to us. We can fight about whether Bellavia or Hochul is better for our district and we'll know that whoever wins, we'll have an honest and dignified representative in Congress. Government will roll along forever; nothing is going to change that. Let's take this opportunity to enter a general election season where we know that we'll be able to be proud of our congressperson, whether we agree with them or not.

One Week to Primay Day, Does Anyone Care?

No debates.

Almost nothing on the advertising front.

Somewhere there is a man in a chicken suit. Cluck, cluck.

Chris Collins' strategy may be working. Bellavia and his people have been tossing legitimate bombs at the former Erie County Executive for weeks now, but no one seems to care. Christ, I love this stuff and I can barely force myself to muck through a blog post about it.

Sigh.

What happens next Tuesday? A few thousand septuagenarian Republicans will shuffle off to the polls. Maybe some will wheel themselves to an afternoon game of bridge afterward. Big doings on Primary Tuesday.

Among the conversations that won't be had between now and the 26th:

"What's for lunch, Myrtle?"

"How the fuck should I know, Herbert? I'm too busy comparing all the information I have about these two candidates so I can decide who to vote for."

No debates.

These poor, iron-haired party faithful have no idea who they're voting for.

Chris Collins' strategy is working.

GLOW Fun With Chris Collins

Thanks to @BuffaloPundit and @HeyRaChaCha, we had a little fun on Twitter today with Chris Collins' clueless attempts at pandering to GLOW region voters. I'll keep this updated with the good ones. The hashtag is #CluelessCollins, enjoy.

Hey Hicks, Chris Collins Is Just Like You

Chris Collins bought some jeans last week and The Buffalo News just had to report on it. I never would have seen the blurb if my friend Alan Bedenko over at Artvoice hadn't picked up on it yesterday.

Since this is stupid is so many ways, I'm not going to launch into a thousand-word diatribe about how Collins is a dick and is wholly incapable of connecting with or understanding anyone outside of his circle of Spaulding Lake dilettantes. Instead, I thought it would just be fun to wonder what Chris Collins thinks of us, the hicks, rubes and hayseeds out here in the GLOW counties.

Without further ado: Overheard on the Collins campaign trail, GLOW region edition:

-- "Jesus, what's that smell? Is that the fertilizer stench they kept telling me about?"
    "No, Chris, we're in downtown Batavia, there aren't any farms here."
    "Hmmm, must just be the poor people. What kind of pants do they wear?"

--"You guys are farmers, huh? So do you have, like, a general store, or do you barter for goods at the fair?"

--"Hi, I'm Chris Collins and I need your vote so I can go to Washington.  Waaawwwww-ssshhhhinnnngggg-ttttuuuuhhhhhnnn."

-- "I just bought a brand new pick-up truck so I can connect on a personal level with Pa Kettle here. Let's fill it with heavy stuff and drive somewhere."

-- "Let's make this one quick. There is no way I'm taking a dump in an outhouse."

-- "Oh, this is your cousin? How many kids do you guys have?"

-- "Haha, look at these straw hat wearing yokels. Hey, Cletus, where's the rodeo? Wait, what? YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A FUCKIN' RODEO?!?!? Oh....My....God....what the fuck is wrong with you people?"

I could do this all day, but I won't because it's stupid. You know what else is stupid? Chris Collins' attempt to be 'folksy' in his hick costume.

Collins Gives Order To Fire Mother Of Four, Bellavia Benefits

The Buffalo News reported on Saturday that State Sen. Michael Ranzenhofer fired an office employee and mother of four at the behest of Chris Collins, a Republican candidate for the NY-27 Congressional seat. According to the Buffalo News report, Michelle McCulloch of Attica said her employment at Ranzenhofer's office was terminated because of her support of Collins' primary opponent, David Bellavia.

McCulloch, a mother of four, is a member of the Wyoming County Republican Committee which has officially endorsed Mr. Bellavia in the ongoing primary. The incident that reportedly got her fired was nothing more than a meet and greet in Wyoming County (also attended by Collins) where she introduced David Bellavia around the crowd.

Ms. McCulloch is also a member of Bellavia's campaign steering committee, an extracurricular activity that had previously drawn the ire of her boss. Despite Ranzenhofer's demands that his staff remain neutral in the primary, his state senate office employees were asked to pass designating petitions for Chris Collins. McCulloch told the Buffalo News that she had performed this task despite her support for Bellavia.

New York is an 'at-will' state meaning employees can be terminated at any time for any reason. Companies are not required to provide an explanation for personnel decisions like this one.

Chris Collins has a history of committing acts that force voters to question his ability to respect his fellow human beings. There was the rat thing in Buffalo, then there was the handicapped parking space incident, the reportedly fear-based working environment in the Erie County Executive's office, and any number of other transgressions that constantly lower the public's expectations of Chris Collins ever acting like a person who respects others. Asking a State Senator to fire a mother of four who has served faithfully for years under multiple bosses falls right into the pattern of typical Collins behavior.

David Bellavia is expected to address the allegations against Collins and Ranzenhofer today in multiple appearances around the district.

Bellavia, who has received the endorsement of Republican Committees in every rural county in NY-27 should see this as a windfall for his campaign. Primary elections can be difficult to run because voters often have trouble, for obvious reasons, discerning the differences between two candidates who generally espouse the same ideology. These typically low turnout races will always come down to money and organization unless a clear line can be drawn between candidates. Bellavia has an opportunity now to draw that line using Collins' borderline behavior to ask primary voters to choose the kind of person they want representing them in the upcoming general election. I don't imagine the man who ordered the revenge firing of a working class mother is going to be able to acquit himself well on-stage in a debate with Congresswoman Kathy Hochul.

Image courtesy of Tom Dolina at Tommunisms

27 Things About NY-27

1: I still can't stop calling it NY26, just like I wrote 2011 on my checks until April. So, If I screw up and type NY26 trust me, Brian Higgins is safe.

2: Who cares about David Bellavia's water bill? Bob McCarthy of course and probably some voters. Bellavia played this well by employing the 'just regular folks' defense but tight-ass primary voters will take late payments into account.

3. Chris Collins is an asshole. I have never seen this point refuted.

4. Kathy Hochul's 'Yes' vote on CISPA was either the result of electoral politics or a complete lack of regard for individual citizen's personal privacy. Since the average voter in NY27 doesn't know what the hell CISPA is... Well, you do the math.

5. Oh look, there's a primary for the Independence Party line. Chris Collins vs. someone you've never heard of. This happens because of New York's fusion voting system. Fusion voting simply means that minor parties are allowed to try and play kingmaker so major parties need to find willing sacrifices to primary people like Collins on a ballot line that no one gives a damn about.

***UPDATE: Never mind about this, Collins couldn't get enough petition signatures to get himself on the IP ballot line. See thing number three.***

6. Summer is almost here and no one is going to pay any attention to this race until September.

7. Chris Collins ignored a rat infestation in Buffalo. If you want to know why, see thing number three.

8. David Bellavia was awarded a Silver Star. Silver Stars don't automatically make a person right for Congress.

9. Chris Collins doesn't have any Silver Stars, but he does sit on the board of a medical research company. The likelihood of some Collins mouthpiece telling us that the former Erie County Executive is working on a cure for cancer is high. Being on the board of a research company doesn't make a person right for congress, and the doctors in Australia are the ones who are actually working on a cure for cancer.

10: At some point during the primary, Collins is going to have to say exactly what I said in thing number eight.

11: If Collins says what I said in thing number eight, he's going to be painted as an uncaring anti-veteran candidate.

12. If things number ten and eleven actually happen it will be because Chris Collins is an asshole and he can't help himself. See thing number three.

13: Kathy Hochul has spent more time in the GLOW counties in half a Congressional term than both her predecessors combined.

14: Hey, remember when Chris Lee showed off his nipples to Washington DC's transsexual Craigslist users and then the nation? Man that was funny.

15: However the Republican primary shakes out, the general election may very well come down to how much NY27 Republican voters hate Barack Obama. There really won't be any other reason for them to leave their houses in November.

16: In 2008 the Erie County Republicans promised David Bellavia their endorsement the next time this congressional seat came open. Two elections later they still haven't honored that promise.

17: People in the Monroe County portion of NY27 don't have any reason at all to give a damn about this race. No one has seriously asked their opinion in years.

18: Chris Collins opened a Twitter account this week, but you should follow @DWICollins instead; he's more fun and more likely to tell the truth.

21: Jack Davis mumbled something a few weeks back about starting a SuperPAC for David Bellavia. He'd better get right on that because Bellavia is having serious trouble raising money.

22: Elections are all about money.

23: Chris Collins has the most money so even though thing number three is sad, funny and true, it doesn't actually matter.

24: Chris Collins is unpopular in the GLOW counties because he's unlikable. David Bellavia has never done anything noteworthy in the GLOW counties other than live there. Kathy Hochul gets bills passed in Congress that streamline the labor hiring process for GLOW farmers.

25: Chris Collins lost his Erie County Executive re-election bid last November. Kathy Hochul has never lost an election. David Bellavia has never cracked the 'serious candidate' plateau.

26: I never thought I'd actually make it to twenty-seven things and I've been secretly re-writing the title of this piece inside my head since thing number six.

27: If you're reading this and you're a Republican, see things number three, seven, nine, ten, eleven and twelve. The last time we sent a wealthy, male business asshole to congress, we ended up having to look at his nipples on the national news. How many nipples is it going to take before you people learn?

Chris Collins Has A Problem

Let's say you're a candidate running in the NY-27 Republican primary. You wake up in the morning, yawn, maybe take a gratuitous scratch or two at your nether parts and meander into your bathroom. You turn on the sink faucet and slowly look up then........ BAM!!! Your entire day has just been ruined because the face staring back at you from the mirror waiting to have its teeth brushed is none other than the highly unlikable ignorer of rat infestations, former Erie County Executive Chris Collins.

It's ok, you think to yourself. I have a ton of cash and the might of the Erie County Republican Committee behind me. I'm unstoppable.

So, you finish brushing your teeth and take a shower. Things are starting to look up. Even though you were unceremoniously tossed out of office by the voters of Erie County just a few months ago, you know you're going to have an easy time getting elected to Congress in a newly drawn district. You're certain that Democrat Kathy Hochul's win in last year's special election was a fluke and nobody is going to stand in your way.

You start to whistle as you swagger through the house toward the aroma of fresh-brewed coffee. As you pass through the dining room you notice the table is covered with newspapers from all the towns and cities in the congressional district. This irritates you just a little because back when you were the Erie County Executive, you only had to read the Buffalo News, but now every morning you're forced to skim articles about 4-H competitions, farm labor and myriad other things that happen in the muddy places outside of Spaulding Lake.

On top of the news pile is the most recent edition of the Batavia Daily News. You pick it up and skim an article about Congresswoman Kathy Hochul doing useful things for farmers. You scoff at the idea, turn to page 2 and right there plain as day is a story about your Republican primary opponent, David Bellavia, announcing the members of his steering committee. Bellavia has received the endorsement of every rural county in a district that has become more pasture than pavement. His steering committee is made up of  rural county Republican Committee whip crackers, heavy hitters and true believers and the article suggests that more of these people are showing up every day, volunteering for an opportunity to make your retirement from politics a permanent arrangement.

You are Chris Collins and you have a big problem.