When Carl Paladino won the Republican primary last month I immediately thought to myself: 'Well, at least I'm not gonna be bored this election season.'
I've shared with you all I know about his love for horse porn and his antics in lesbian bars. I've pontificated here and on other sites about Carl's macho ballet with Fred Dicker as well as his bromance with the internationally detested Michael Caputo and, by incestuous corollary, Caputo's sugar daddy (Nixonite) Roger Stone.
So when do we get to talk about the issues. Well, as far as Paladino is concerned there don't seem to be any. Rather, he hasn't come up with actual solutions for the issues that exist, so we can only infer that he's running for Governer 'for funsies' and because he can afford to...until last week that is.
Of course, Carl's campaign coffers might not be so short if he hadn't alienated the following 'special interest' groups:
Gays and Lesbians
Anyway, white men grab your wallets, Carl needs your help.
Every day that passes in this campaign removes us one step further from the very serious issues facing New York State. By all accounts, Andrew Cuomo spent months agonizing over every word of his policy document. Cuomo's New New York Agenda outlines a fairly conservative, fiscally sound plan to get New Yorkers back to work, reform how Albany does business, and cut spending back to reasonable levels in order to right our ship.
I've remarked on several different occasions that if you put Cuomo's agenda in front of any Republican who didn't know who wrote it, they'd sign up immediately for the plan. Even Paladino during his primary victory speech accused Cuomo of 'hijacking' the Republican agenda, but there is a serious difference between a conservative agenda written by a Democrat and a conservative agenda written by a modern Republican. This is the difference:
Andrew Cuomo has spent his entire life proving his commitment to the least among us and he will be very careful to ensure that enacting a conservative plan won't adversely affect the poor and middle class. Carl Paladino doesn't give a fuck about the poor and middle class.
So, because Paladino can't reasonably argue against Cuomo's policies and because he doesn't really have any ideas of his own he has engaged in a mudslinging campaign much in the vein of Hunter Thompson's (probably false) account of an early Lyndon Johnson congressional bid. The story goes like this:
Lyndon Johnson “told his manager to start a massive rumor campaign about his opponent’s lifelong habit of enjoying carnal knowledge of his own barnyard sows.” The campaign manager protests that nobody will believe that the guy’s a “pigfucker.”
“I know,” Johnson replied. “But let’s make the sonofabitch deny it.
This is Paladino's plan as well. Issues be damned.